Archives | November 2008
Being John McCain
2 November 2008 | News | No Comments
The McCain campaign has spent a lot of time and money baiting the American public with the question, “Who is Barack Obama?” as if the answer is so horrific and unthinkable they‘ll run screaming to the polls on November 4th to elect Senator McCain. Not only do these ads blatantly expose the dearth of original ideas that are McCain‘s calling card, but they also beg the obvious return question, “Who is John McCain?”
Or, as I think of it, “Who is John McCain pretending to be?”
So I‘ve spent a little time imagining what it must be like to be John McCain in these final days before the 2008 Presidential election and have decided that it‘s not easy being John!
Being John McCain
You want to be the President everyone wants to have a beer with, but your wife just made millions sending Budweiser to the Belgians and you’re pretty sure Joe the Plumber has never heard of Stella Artois.
You want to appeal to women voters, but you’re running mate has filled more hunting tags than Howard Hill and may, by some accounts, carries a spittoon.
Youth voters only think about voting for you because of the dish of hard candy you’ll invariably have on an end table in the oval office.
You really want to have your own ideas, but it’s just so much easier to cut and paste Bush’s ideas, then say they’re your own, then say that you’re nothing like Bush.
You’re the only person you know that’s excited about you running for President.
You want to appeal to the masses, but run into the wall of facts that A) You’re a politician; B) You’re wife just made huge bank off-shoring the aforementioned Beer of the Masses; and C) The Other Guy - That One - is giving the masses a much higher tax credit than you are.
Instead of Toby Keith writing entire albums of pro-you propaganda, you get some B-list ranch hand bleating, “Raisin‘ McCain!” over and over. This is not only poor songwriting – even by modern country standards – but it barely avoids trademark infringement on a chain of Midwestern chicken wing joints.
You wonder why your time as a P.O.W. isn’t getting you more traction in the polls, then remember you helped send a big chunk of voters who would care about such a thing to Iraq – where you want to keep them for the next ten years.
You stubbornly cling to the moniker of “Maverick”, despite the risk that this may identify you with Tom Cruise. Of course, the only Tom Cruise fans left are Scientologists, which may be the only “religious” group gullible enough to vote for you, so this Maverick thing can only work in your favor.
Keating who?
You‘re glad no one remembers when you said you were clueless on the economy, but frustrated that no one is taking “I Haven‘t Got a Clue” as a serious economic platform.
You still can‘t believe people are going to sit by and let you tax their health care benefits! It makes you wonder what else they receive from their jobs that you could make a couple bucks off of – like watered-down coffee, their sense of self worth, or maybe air?
You really want this “government buying up mortgages” thing to go through because then maybe you and Cindy can get a sweet deal on houses #8 through #11.
You know in your heart that you‘re ready to solve the problems everyday American‘s face – just as soon as someone tells you exactly what those problems are.
You secretly worry the only person that will be elected because of your campaign is Joe the Plumber.
But worst of all, you worry that you‘ll wake up on November 5th to find that the America you tried to scare to the polls is a lot more scared of having you as President than they are of the Big C-Word.
No€¦ not that c-word…
Vote for Change on November 4, 2008, and let‘s put That One in the White House!
Regards,
Ty Pierce
November 2, 2008.